- If you believe you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven.
- If you have never sung the third verse of any hymn.
- If you have ever put an IOU in the collection plate.
- If you think that someone who says “amen” while the pastor is preaching is charismatic.
- If you complain because your pastor only works one day a week and then he works too long.
- If you clapped in church last Sunday and felt guilty all week.
- If you woke up craving fried chicken one morning and interpreted it as a call to preach.
- If you are old enough to get Senior Citizen’s discounts at the pharmacy, but not old enough to be promoted into the Senior Adult Department.
- If you think the epistles are probably the apostle’s wives.
- If you think the Holy Land is Nashville.
- If you think God’s presence is always strongest in the back three pews.
- If you think John the Baptist founded the Southern Baptist Convention.
- If you think “Victory in Jesus” is the national anthem.
- If the first complete sentence you uttered was “We’ve never done it this way before.”
- If you judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the preacher.
- If your definition of “fellowship” has something to do with food.
- If you honestly believe the apostle Paul spoke King James English.
- If you think worship service music has to be loud.
- If you think Jesus actually used Welch’s grape juice and unsalted crackers.
- If you think preachers who wear robes are in cahoots with the Catholics.
Author unknown, but I’ve seen versions of this passed around for at least twenty years.