Last week we covered the top tactics of really dumb terrorists. This week it’s time to see how some of our favorite science fiction characters would deal with these threats.
Top Ways Science Fiction Characters Would Deal With Terrorists
16. Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz: Set him to work editing his latest collection of poetry.
15. Samantha Stevens: Wiggles her nose and turns him into a donkey’s butt. Oops, too late.
14. Princess Leia: Threaten the Taliban that she’ll walk up and down the length of Afghanistan in the gold bikini.
13. Captain Kirk: Knock him out with one punch.
12. Captain Kirk: Do *not* set phasers on stun.
11. Flash Gordon: Impales him with pointy end of rocket ship. The terrorist vanishes, then so does the actor playing Flash.
10. HAL 9000: Opens his pod bay doors, if you get my drift.
9. Lazarus Long: “I spaced him! He went that way, eyes poppin’ and peein’ blood!”
8. Elric of Melnibone: “That’s funny — there doesn’t seem to be a soul there for Stormbringer to eat.”
7. Seven of Nine: “Cover *this* body with schmattes? Prepare to be assimilated, drone-bait!”
6. Jabba the Hutt: Make bin Laden wear the little gold bikini and dance for him until Jabba tired of him and tossed him to the Sarlaac.
5. Lt. Ripley & Cpl. Hicks: Nuke him from orbit, it’s the only way to be sure.
4. Montgomery Scott: Channel a tachyon pulse through the main deflector dish. (Hey, it works for everything else.)
3. Michael Valentine Smith: Use overwhelming psychic powers to calm him. Then have sex with him.
2. James T Kirk: Would punch him out, then nail his wife.
and the Number 1 Way a Science Fiction Character Would Deal With A Terrorist…
1. Hari Seldon: Explain, through psychohistory, exactly how events lead up to getting his ass kicked halfway across the galaxy.
Originally published October 4, 2001 as “The Top 7 Ways Science Fiction Characters Would Deal With Osama bin Laden” by TopFive.