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Weekend Humor: Style Tips on “Klingon Eye for the Earth Guy”

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Originally published as a Top5 Science Fiction list on October 10, 2003.

Style Tips From “Klingon Eye For The Earth Guy”

  • Earth dudes, the trucker hats have got to go.
  • No living room is complete without the mounted heads of your enemies.
  • Wear a red shirt if you’re attending a funeral – your own.
  • You “don’t” want to tell a Klingon to “zhoozh” his hair.
  • Remember, always eat your Gahk starting with the dagger furthest from the plate.
  • “Manly men” wear braids AND ponytails.
  • Key word here is BULK. Body-hugging jumpsuits SCREAM “sissy Earthman.”
  • Chain mail: Good. Spandex: Bad!
  • No occasion is too casual or too formal for black rubber body armor.
  • All right – instead of a heavy sigh, growl deep in your throat.
  • NO COMB-OVERS!!
  • No matter what the Terrans on “Queer Eye” said, we’re going for a martial effect here, so those frou-frou drapes have got to go!
  • You left the Gagh where? Earthworm, you simply do not freeze Gagh!
  • We’ve never seen a cluttered apartment that two minutes with a bat’leth couldn’t fix.
  • Cream depilatories are easier and less dangerous than razors for removing the hair in your forehead crevices.
  • Good, now butt heads. “Tsk, you Terrans and your puny skulls.”
  • If you have no stomach for raw meat, red licorice left stuck between your teeth will achieve a similar appearance.
  • No matter what, you need more leather.
  • No, no, no. See, if you bring the blade upwards during the disembowelment, you get more blood splatter for a nice speckling effect.
  • Your refusal to discard overly tight, acid-washed apparel brings shame and dishonor to your ancestors.
  • Revenge is a dish best served at a formal, but intimate, dinner party; accompanied by a late-vintage blood wine.

And the Number 1 Style Tip on “Klingon Eye for the Earth Guy…”

Today is a good day to dye… your hair!