Originally published as a Top5 Science Fiction list on October 10, 2003.
Style Tips From “Klingon Eye For The Earth Guy”
- Earth dudes, the trucker hats have got to go.
- No living room is complete without the mounted heads of your enemies.
- Wear a red shirt if you’re attending a funeral – your own.
- You “don’t” want to tell a Klingon to “zhoozh” his hair.
- Remember, always eat your Gahk starting with the dagger furthest from the plate.
- “Manly men” wear braids AND ponytails.
- Key word here is BULK. Body-hugging jumpsuits SCREAM “sissy Earthman.”
- Chain mail: Good. Spandex: Bad!
- No occasion is too casual or too formal for black rubber body armor.
- All right – instead of a heavy sigh, growl deep in your throat.
- NO COMB-OVERS!!
- No matter what the Terrans on “Queer Eye” said, we’re going for a martial effect here, so those frou-frou drapes have got to go!
- You left the Gagh where? Earthworm, you simply do not freeze Gagh!
- We’ve never seen a cluttered apartment that two minutes with a bat’leth couldn’t fix.
- Cream depilatories are easier and less dangerous than razors for removing the hair in your forehead crevices.
- Good, now butt heads. “Tsk, you Terrans and your puny skulls.”
- If you have no stomach for raw meat, red licorice left stuck between your teeth will achieve a similar appearance.
- No matter what, you need more leather.
- No, no, no. See, if you bring the blade upwards during the disembowelment, you get more blood splatter for a nice speckling effect.
- Your refusal to discard overly tight, acid-washed apparel brings shame and dishonor to your ancestors.
- Revenge is a dish best served at a formal, but intimate, dinner party; accompanied by a late-vintage blood wine.
And the Number 1 Style Tip on “Klingon Eye for the Earth Guy…”
Today is a good day to dye… your hair!