With most of the country quasi-quarantined at home right now, it seems like a lot of people are trying their hand at cooking for themselves. Some for the first time. For some of us, it turns out that we’re a lot less “Top Chef” and a lot more “America’s Worst Cooks”. With that in mind, here are a few signs that you may not be appearing on any of the good cooking shows any time soon.
The Top 15 Signs You’re Not a Very Good Cook
15. Your meals look just like the pictures on the cover of the magazine — Aviation Disaster Weekly.
14. Only similarity between your Mexican cuisine and actual Mexican cuisine is the vomiting and diarrhea.
13. Jack Kevorkian keeps writing to ask for recipes.
12. Your leftovers don’t have an expiration date… they have a half-life.
11. When no one’s looking, the dog sneaks your food to his heartworms after your son sneaks it to him.
10. The EPA has opened a branch office in your breakfast nook.
9. After all this time, it turns out the recipes were calling for *chicken* eggs.
8. First day in the kitchen, your job was “toast the bread.” Then you were downgraded to “cut the bread.” Now it’s simply “stop your bleeding.”
7. You still can’t figure out what the hell a “tiblisp” is.
6. The Defense Department has requested your rice pilaf recipe as a repair compound for leaky battleships.
5. After lower than anticipated craving for your arroz con stinkbug, you think you overhear your fellow Survivors discussing how to cook stew. Your
name? Stu.
4. The cat shuns your table scraps in favor of its own vomit.
3. Your Chicken a la King is served on a bed of shocking gray hair.
2. Your tapeworm has issued an unconditional surrender.
and The Number 1 Sign You’re Not a Very Good Cook…
- Lobster? Climbs out of the pot, grabs a cook book, and proceeds to beat you with it.
Originally posted by TopFive on May 25th, 2001