Weekend Humor: Signs of a Bad Martial Arts Dojo (Part 1)

Originally published by Top 5 Lists on October 13, 1998

The Top Twelve Signs You’ve Joined the Wrong Martial Arts School (Part I)

12. Lesson 1: A guy who looks and sounds like Danny DeVito in a bathrobe points to a pile of concrete blocks and says “Knock yourselves out, Grasshoppers.”
11. All the trophies in the display case appear to be altered bowling trophies.
10. Due to a misspelling of “Martial Arts” on the door, half the class shows up with vibrators and lotions.
9. Other students show up with sketchbooks.
8. Instead of belts, levels of prowess are denoted by colorful suspenders and coordinating ascots.
7. Although the Grandmaster’s hands “move faster than the eye can see”, you can still detect a fair amount of nose picking going on.
6. The lesson keeps getting interrupted while the Master swaps french fry baskets.
5. As a student is wheeled out by paramedics, the instructor say “Class, name 3 things Alan did wrong.”
4. You’re pretty sure “Monkey Style” does not involve masturbation and throwing feces at your attacker.
3. You practice kicks on a stage while sweaty men stuff dollar bills in your g-string.
2. Spent the first eight lessons learning to talk while moving your lips in a seemingly unrelated manner.

and The Number One Sign You’ve Joined the Wrong Martial Arts School

1. At the end of every class, your instructor says, “…or you could just buy a friggin’ gun.”