I’m pretty sure there’s no Stormtrooper’s Union in the Star Wars Universe (given the persistent lack of safety rails, handholds, and seatbelts, there’s clearly no Imperial equivalent to OSHA either), but if those guys were to somehow organize, here’s a few demands they might come up with.
Top Contract Demands of the Stormtroopers’ Union
26. Better bands in the Cantina
25. Let us hit ONE target… and let it be the Gungan!
24. Pop machines in the employee’s lounge. And some air-holes
23. Telekinetic strangulations of staff limited to three daily.
22. The Empire will use no Jedi arbitrators during negotiations. (“These are not the benefits you’re looking for…”)
21. Padding on the inside of the helmets, because at the moment it really hurts if you slam into a door or something.
20. One hour of target practice each business day.
19. We *ALL* want slave-girl outfits like Leia’s
18. More paint jobs on our suits, so we don’t wind up looking all ghetto like that Boba Fett guy.
17. No further work on Death Star III until there’s a frickin’ evacuation plan! (Cleary they didn’t get that one! Ed.)
16. How about if you start by putting some kind of cover over the duct that leads directly into the main power generator on the
Death Stars?
15. Medical coverage for Force-lash.
14. Zipper flies in the armor
13. The right to decorate the suits with racing decals or low rider-type artwork
12. Yeah, yeah, the white plastic body armor is all evil-looking and intimidating – until you have to take a leak.
11. Demand a formal grievance process instead of being summarily asphyxiated by Lord Vader.
10. Uniforms in Harvest Gold, Avocado, Hunter, and Taupe, in addition to that boring Refrigerator White.
9. Bigger codpieces, because let’s face it, sometimes the uniform alone isn’t enough to impress the women.
8. Lord Vader MUST get a breath mint or something. That mask doesn’t filter out everything, you know.
7. Ghostly holograms of senior officials no longer allowed to spring on you in the Men’s Room.
6. What say we dump the bulky body armor that doesn’t seem to protect us from anything anyway?
5. Every eight seconds of Force-controlled choking must be followed by two seconds of rest time.
4. If you’re going to keep serving us eggs and beans, how about an exhaust port in these suits? We had twelve troopers asphyxiate
just last week!
3. Gungan hunting licenses. Coincidentally, this was also the most common request of Rebel Union members.
2. Hazardous duty pay extends to any work involving Ewoks. Fuzzy little bastards.
And the Number One Contract Demand of the Imperial Stormtroopers’ Union.
- Two words: Casual Fridays.
Originally published October 18th, 2001 by the Top 5 List.