Apologies for the unplanned lack of content this week. Things should be back to normal next week. Deploying on live Search & Rescue missions two weeks in a row took a lot more out of me than I expected. I’ll talk more about that next week though.
Anyway, this week’s blast from the past comes courtesy of Joe Lavin’s Humor Column (website no longer updating) back when he had an email list and before the archival date on the website.
Apparently, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Swap out Al Gore and Dan Rather for the current crop of Democrat presidential pretenders and news “journalist” talking heads, and this column could have been written yesterday.
Kissing Beneath the Bouncing Shadow
by Joe Lavin
Just in case you were wondering, there is no news today in the
presidential campaign. There was no news yesterday, and there will be
no news tomorrow. Instead, there are only symbols, metaphors, and the
occasional simile. It is as if Campaign 2000 is being orchestrated by
your high school English teacher.
Absolutely everything in this campaign is infused with instant meaning
and instant analysis by the press, regardless of whether it deserves
such treatment. Mere minutes after Gore finished his convention speech last
Thursday, there was Dan Rather asking all his correspondents, “Did
Gore get the bounce he needed from this speech?” Rather said it as if
such a thing could be instantaneously quantified, as if there really
was a little red Superball bouncing somewhere on the convention floor.
During the pre-game show before the speech, the questions were also
bounce-related. Every anchor wanted to know how Gore could get a
bounce in what was to be “the most important speech of his life.” The
experts agreed that most of all Gore needed to “be himself.” Be
himself?
What? As opposed to last week when he was Amelia Earhart?
As luck would have it, Gore struck gold and managed to be himself for
the entire speech. “This was the real Al Gore tonight,” more than one
pundit proclaimed when it was all over. Well, what a relief! I hate it
when they use Stunt Al instead.
At one point, I even heard a commentator suggest that Gore seemed
more authentic than usual, which begs the metaphysical question: If
someone acts more authentic than usual, is that really authentic
behavior? I’m not sure, but we had best not dwell on it. That’s the
type of question that can fuel about fifteen hours of Crossfire debate.
“But can’t you see? Gore’s obviously using this new authenticity ruse
to deceive the public! Come on! We all know the real Al Gore isn’t at all
authentic, and it’s time the American people were told this!”
Clinton’s shadow was another big theme. One of Gore’s main tasks, we
were told, was to step out from under this shadow. From what I
gathered, the President must have scarfed down more than a few Big Macs,
because this was one massive shadow. Everyone was talking about it.
Well, everyone except the American people, that is.
And so in the midst of a relatively good speech, we were presented with
one of the most simplistic lines ever when Al Gore proudly announced,
“I stand here tonight as my own man.” Well, thanks for letting us in
on that one, Al.
This is not something you would expect to hear from anyone who really
was his own man, yet Gore had no choice. He had to include such
silliness in his speech, because it’s exactly what the media demanded.
The pundits loved it. It was one of the most replayed lines of the
entire speech. “Well, Dan, I think he really stepped out of Clinton’s shadow
tonight,” all the pundits gushed. Somehow, just by declaring that he
was his own man, Gore left the imaginary shadow behind. Imagine if
governing were as easy as manipulating the press!
Perhaps silliest of all was the kiss. As Gore walked to the podium for
his speech, he gave his wife Tipper — in the words of one newspaper — “a
full-mouthed kiss.” From all accounts, it was a pretty good kiss, even
dare-we-say-it passionate. Believe it or not, this is news. For some
commentators, the kiss was a reminder that unlike certain politicians
Gore is a happily married man who apparently digs his wife. Along with the
stunning “my own man” rhetoric, this kiss supposedly helped Gore to
further step out from beneath Clinton’s shadow.
Because of this, many speculated that the kiss must have been staged.
On NBC’s Today show Monday, Matt Lauer actually asked the Vice
President of the United States of America the following question: “You
really planted one on Mrs. Gore. What were you thinking?”
Gore replied that the kiss was “completely spontaneous.” He further
said that he was shocked by all the attention it received. Whether you like
him or not, it’s tough not to appreciate his response: “Somebody said,
‘Are you trying to send a message?’ I said, ‘Actually, I was trying to send a message to Tipper.'”
But was it the real Al Gore sending her the message? How about the
bounce? Did he get the bounce he needed from the kiss? And what
about Clinton’s shadow? Was it getting any action? Tune in for the rest
of the campaign, and unfortunately you’ll probably find out.