I’ve seen this list float around with various airlines named over the years. While this version was sent to me claiming European budget airline Aer Lingus as the origin, I’ve also seen it attributed to Southwest, Spirit, and RyanAir. Personally, I’d guess it originally came from Southwest, but hey, it’s funny regardless.
Amusing Airline Cabin Announcements:
“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
this airplane…”
After landing: “Thank you for flying Aer Lingus Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at John Wayne airport in Orange County, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Shannon, a flight attendant announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
“Welcome aboard this Aer Lingus flight to Los Angeles. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more.”
“Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Aer Lingus”
“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”
The pilot said, “We’ve reached our cruising altitude now, and I’m turning off the seat belt sign. I’m switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight.”
“Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.”
“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses. Last one off the plane must clean it.”
And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some
of the best flight attendants in the industry… Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight…!”
Heard on Aer Lingus just after a very hard landing in London: The flight
attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know
what yer all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s
fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendants’ fault… it was the asphalt!”
Overheard on an Aer Lingus into Liverpool on a particularly windy and bumpy
day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it.
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and
announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Liverpool. Please remain in
your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s
left of our airplane to the gate!”
Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile,
and give them a “Thanks for flying Aer Lingus” He said that in light of his
bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off
except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny,
mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no, Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is
it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on
with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal.”
Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement:
“We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time
you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here Aer Lingus.”